Once upon a time in a land not far away—at our local daycare—a single tear streamed down my daughter Ella’s 8-month-old face… and then another and another as I turned my back on her to head to work. Suddenly her tears exploded into a full-blown fit, screaming and all.
Well, this came out of nowhere.
I was not prepared to see Ella so upset by my departure. Finally, she cared that I was leaving! She really does love me! Wait a minute. Focus, Jessica. Your daughter is in hysterics and somehow you have to figure out how to leave.
Nothing tugs at the heart strings like your child reaching out, pleading for you to stay, with tears instantly driving guilt deep into your chest like a knife. Oh, did it hurt! I did everything the magazines and books warn new moms against—I picked her up, held her, smothered her with kisses and prolonged the visit, making my departure that much more painful.
As I pried the tiny, kung-fu grip from my shoulders, handed Ella to her daycare teacher, and backed my way slowly out of the room, tears filled my eyes too as Ella’s crying got louder and louder. I heard her sobs all the way out the door and it festered in my head for hours. Not a way you want to start the day.
How did my once happy-to-play-with-anyone child now crave my constant presence?
Doctors assure us that separation anxiety is a normal, healthy stage—a sign that your child is beginning to think about you when you aren’t with her. The problem is, babies learn about leaving before they learn about coming back. Makes sense why Ella reacted the way she did—she thought I was never returning! So, I began reading about different ways to help Ella cope and hopefully make saying good bye easier for both of us.
#1: Start small. Playing games like peek-a-boo with Ella helped her get the idea that Mommy goes, but comes right back. The things we do for our children—there I was draped under a blanket, calling “Where’s Mommy?” and then pulled the blanket off to reveal my smiling face to a room filled with hysterics. But this time it was laughter. Huh, she really thought this stuff was funny! Never have I been known for my comedic talent, but to Ella I was a comic genius! So I repeated the move again and again, feeling her laughter light up the room.
#2: Say no to strangers. Most babies go through the stage of separation anxiety best in their own environment with people they know well. But even leaving Ella with Grandma—a woman she saw on a weekly basis—would upset her from time to time. One thing I realized is the importance of slow transitions. When planning a night out with my husband Matt, we would make sure Grandma came early to play with Ella while we were still present. Soon she was having a blast and could care less whether we were there or not.
#3: Plan your exit. Sneaking away may seem like the easy way out, but do I really want to think about Ella suddenly realizing we’re gone and never getting a good bye? I don’t think so. She deserves a proper good bye. I just don’t prolong it like I used to do. Now when we leave, we give Ella a quick kiss and hug, tell her to have fun, and we’ll see her later. Then we bolt. Sometimes she cries for us, but we don’t turn back. It’s hard, but Matt and I know in less than a minute she will have forgotten we’re gone and be distracted by her newest audience.
#4: Let her cry it out. Yes, it felt awful to leave Ella while she was still crying, but like I said earlier, the theatrics didn’t last long. After a few minutes with a loving caregiver—who’s good with spontaneous distraction—she calmed down, as most babies do. Grandma would immediately engage her in a book, toy or even short children’s program. It made leaving so much easier for both Ella and us.
Even now at 4 years old, Ella still gets a bit upset when I leave the house, primarily because she wants to tag along. But now with the tag-team efforts of our youngest daughter Jaisa, who at age 1 is literally attached to Mommy’s hip most of the day, saying good-bye just doubled in difficulty. Once one starts crying, the other chimes right in, primarily for amplified effect. As sad as it is to leave those tear-streaked faces, I know they’ll be fine and I’ll come back to showers of hugs and kisses.
If you and your child are going through the struggles of separation anxiety, just remember it does get easier. Got any tricks for leaving the house without the kids going into hysterics? Please share!
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