Don’t Go! Part 2: Saying good-bye isn’t always easy…for baby.

Once upon a time in a land not far away—at our local daycare—a single tear streamed down my daughter Ella’s 8-month-old face… and then another and another as I turned my back on her to head to work. Suddenly her tears exploded into a full-blown fit, screaming and all.

Well, this came out of nowhere.

I was not prepared to see Ella so upset by my departure. Finally, she cared that I was leaving! She really does love me! Wait a minute. Focus, Jessica. Your daughter is in hysterics and somehow you have to figure out how to leave.

Nothing tugs at the heart strings like your child reaching out, pleading for you to stay, with tears instantly driving guilt deep into your chest like a knife. Oh, did it hurt! I did everything the magazines and books warn new moms against—I picked her up, held her, smothered her with kisses and prolonged the visit, making my departure that much more painful.

As I pried the tiny, kung-fu grip from my shoulders, handed Ella to her daycare teacher, and backed my way slowly out of the room, tears filled my eyes too as Ella’s crying got louder and louder. I heard her sobs all the way out the door and it festered in my head for hours. Not a way you want to start the day.

How did my once happy-to-play-with-anyone child now crave my constant presence?

Doctors assure us that separation anxiety is a normal, healthy stage—a sign that your child is beginning to think about you when you aren’t with her. The problem is, babies learn about leaving before they learn about coming back. Makes sense why Ella reacted the way she did—she thought I was never returning! So, I began reading about different ways to help Ella cope and hopefully make saying good bye easier for both of us.

#1: Start small. Playing games like peek-a-boo with Ella helped her get the idea that Mommy goes, but comes right back. The things we do for our children—there I was draped under a blanket, calling “Where’s Mommy?” and then pulled the blanket off to reveal my smiling face to a room filled with hysterics. But this time it was laughter. Huh, she really thought this stuff was funny! Never have I been known for my comedic talent, but to Ella I was a comic genius! So I repeated the move again and again, feeling her laughter light up the room.

#2: Say no to strangers. Most babies go through the stage of separation anxiety best in their own environment with people they know well. But even leaving Ella with Grandma—a woman she saw on a weekly basis—would upset her from time to time. One thing I realized is the importance of slow transitions. When planning a night out with my husband Matt, we would make sure Grandma came early to play with Ella while we were still present. Soon she was having a blast and could care less whether we were there or not.

#3: Plan your exit. Sneaking away may seem like the easy way out, but do I really want to think about Ella suddenly realizing we’re gone and never getting a good bye? I don’t think so. She deserves a proper good bye. I just don’t prolong it like I used to do. Now when we leave, we give Ella a quick kiss and hug, tell her to have fun, and we’ll see her later. Then we bolt. Sometimes she cries for us, but we don’t turn back. It’s hard, but Matt and I know in less than a minute she will have forgotten we’re gone and be distracted by her newest audience.

#4: Let her cry it out. Yes, it felt awful to leave Ella while she was still crying, but like I said earlier, the theatrics didn’t last long. After a few minutes with a loving caregiver—who’s good with spontaneous distraction—she calmed down, as most babies do. Grandma would immediately engage her in a book, toy or even short children’s program. It made leaving so much easier for both Ella and us.

Even now at 4 years old, Ella still gets a bit upset when I leave the house, primarily because she wants to tag along. But now with the tag-team efforts of our youngest daughter Jaisa, who at age 1 is literally attached to Mommy’s hip most of the day, saying good-bye just doubled in difficulty. Once one starts crying, the other chimes right in, primarily for amplified effect. As sad as it is to leave those tear-streaked faces, I know they’ll be fine and I’ll come back to showers of hugs and kisses.

If you and your child are going through the struggles of separation anxiety, just remember it does get easier. Got any tricks for leaving the house without the kids going into hysterics? Please share!

Don’t Go! Part I: Saying Good-bye is never easy...for Mom

I’ll never forget it. After nearly three months of complete focus and attention on our new little bundle of joy, Matt and I had decided to venture out of the house to celebrate our anniversary. This decision was not made lightly—in fact, it was debated upon for weeks, mostly by me.

Matt had been out in the “real world” since Ella’s birth, going back to work, living his life. Me, not so much. My life at the time consisted of nursing, changing diapers, stroller rides and doting over our gorgeous new little girl, without much contact with the outside world. Did I mention nursing and diaper changing? Yeah, that was really the brunt of my day. But after much encouragement and coaxing from one of my best friends who generously volunteered to watch Ella, “we” decided we really need to take this next step.

“What, leave my baby! Are you crazy?” I thought. “She’ll know I’m gone. What if she cries and wants her Mommy and I’m not there? What if she won’t take her bottle? What if a burglar comes in, knocks my friend over the head with a garden shovel and takes off with Ella in tow?”
“Relax, you paranoid, hormonal freak!” I said to myself (dang those hormones).

Deep down, I knew we had to do this, and after all the new-parent stress from the first few months, we really deserved—correction, NEEDED—a night out to celebrate the fact that one of us had not left the other by that point. I’m joking of course, but you gotta know that those initial months of a new parent’s life test a marriage like nothing else.

Bless her soul, my friend made good on her word and watched Ella so we could go out to dinner. With two kids of her own, I felt pretty safe leaving Ella in her company. So for the first time in months, I slipped on a dress (praying I’d be able to zip it up all the way and still breathe) and fussed over my hair and make-up…all the while mentally preparing myself for our departure. “You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.”

One solace was that I knew we couldn’t be gone long or my breasts were going to burst. Hey, maybe breastfeeding did have its perks after all!
We were all dolled up and ready to go. I gave one last loving hug to un-phased Ella, and then another….and another, before I noticed Matt giving me “the look.” You know the one that says, “You’re blowing this way out of proportion, let’s get the heck out of here already.” Excuse me, but when a mother is physically attached to her baby for nine months, letting go isn’t easy!


But I did let go, and it was the beginning of my newfound independence as a mother. Once I got my first taste of freedom—however difficult it was to say good-bye—I realized how absolutely necessary such mini “escapes” were for my health, sanity, parenting and marriage.

Granted, on that initial night out I couldn’t get through the meal without calling home twice. But it also felt so good to be enjoying a little grown-up time. From that point on, stepping out the door became a bit easier…at least for the first 8 months or so. That’s about the time Ella’s separation anxiety kicked in. Then we were both a mess; but I’ll get into that sob story next time.