I remember the day like it was yesterday… Jaisa was about three months old. I was sitting on the floor in our living room holding her while Matt and I just finished reprimanding Ella for misbehaving—the details of that are not as clear. Ella, still a bit upset that she got in trouble, walked over and hit me. I was shocked. Especially since I was still holding Jaisa, and up to that point Ella had been an extra careful big sister around our new family addition.
Mystified by her reaction, I asked Ella, “Why did you hit Mama?” not expecting an actual explanation. Again, she was only three and still had trouble articulating her feelings. But what came out of her mouth next resounded loud and clear.
“I want to put the baby back in your belly,” Ella mumbled.
At first, I thought I was hearing things. I was speechless. For one, I couldn’t believe she was actually able to tell me WHY she hit me. Secondly, I couldn’t believe her reason. But, I figured if she was being so candid I might as well probe further.
“Why would you want me to put Jaisa back in my belly, Honey?”
Ella was quiet for minute, as if determining if she should actually tell me the truth or not. And then, out it came.
“I want you to play with me,” she said.
Two words: Heart. Breaking.
I’m sure many of you who’ve had a second child can recall how challenging it was in the beginning, especially for the oldest child to adjust. Our story was no different. Ella was our baby. We did everything together. She never had to share our time with someone else. So her latest outburst of defiance made me stop and think. Since Jaisa had been born (about 3 months ago at that point), when WAS the last time Ella and I really played together, just the two of us? Sadly, I couldn’t pinpoint a date. Ella’s matter-of-fact reaction was a wake-up call. I needed to make time and give her the attention she was missing.
Those first few months were dicey for all of us. But we made sure we devoted more one-on-one time to Ella and helped her feel included as we brought up baby. Getting clean diapers and bottles became her thing and she loved to help us out. We also made a point to not always refer to Ella as “the big sister” because we all knew she was so much more than that.
As a sentimental side note: Nothing can take away a mother’s love for her firstborn. But to answer a common question, once that second child comes around, you really do magically produce more than enough love for both children.
It’s not over till it’s over…
Now that Jaisa is mobile, she loves playing with Ella, and the feeling is mutual. Ella often asks for Jaisa to come play in her room, which I find precious. What amazes me is how protective Ella can be of her little sister—making sure all the tiny toys are well out of Jaisa’s reach and letting me and Matt hear it if we ever forget to close a baby gate.
Lately though, we’ve seen a bit of that behavior from Jaisa’s infant days creep back. One minute Ella is pleasant as can be, then (BAM!) out of the blue, she’ll push Jaisa in mid-walk, or tackle her to the ground, pull her, and just plain be rough. We harp on her constantly, and maybe that’s the problem. Is she acting out to get attention? I wish I knew. Now when I ask why she pushed her sister, she’s not quite as articulate as she was a year ago.
Is this a sign of things to come? I can only hope that these latest shenanigans are just a phase and the two sisters will grow up to be the best of friends. I want for them the closeness I always imagined having a sister would bring—braiding each other’s hair, sharing clothes, talking about boys and hopes and dreams. You know…all that good stuff you see on TV.
Whatever happens, Jaisa’s not going to be one year old and helpless forever. Fast forward three years and Ella better sleep with one eye open.
Have any tips on how you handle your children’s sibling rivalry? I’d love to hear them!
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